i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
