Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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