Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
