What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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