I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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