The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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