If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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