who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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