FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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