"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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