mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pants are for mortals
You ruined the universe
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
