i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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