Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
