he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
