My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
