I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
