you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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