This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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