i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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