i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize