Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
