What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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