Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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