I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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