Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
a search helicopter?!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
