When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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