you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
