A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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