I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
