I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
