It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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