I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
