all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
