don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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