remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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