Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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