I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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