ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so let's talk penis.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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