We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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