You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
