The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
