i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
