do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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