Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
