and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
