where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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