is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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