I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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