Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
