return my video game
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
