Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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