What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
