i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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