cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
