Kiss
Puke
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Every concussion has its silver lining
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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