she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
