I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
