i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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