It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
